dimples and tears

so, i just saw the Notebook with caroline.....i love it. rachel mcadams is the most beautiful woman ever. i adore her. anyone--male or otherwise--who has yet to see it needs to, you will be touched. kristina...."hard-hearted hannah" as my momma so lovingly calls me....cried her eyes out...twice. it's funny really, the way i cry. when i was little, i used to cry myself to sleep a lot if kim got upset and screamed and cried--it would terrify me, and i cried my eyes out everytime, and i still do even though it rarely happens....but i guess because i was naive and small, it was night time, and everyone was asleep, i never made a sound. i would shake and tears would drench my cheeks, but i never made a sound....so watching a movie where i cry is always...new. three times and counting so far, twice in the same movie. i didnt think i would cry, i thought i would be ok since i was ok the last time i cried in a different movie--i didnt cry the second time. this just rips your heart out, and then you remeber that even though its sad, the love you see is greater than anything else in all the world and then you cry just because you want to know what thats like...i sure as hell do. if i feel that ever in my life...even for an instant, i'll have lived more gloriously than anyone i'm liable to meet.

thank you for talkig with me tonight. knowing i have someone like me around that i can talk to and have understand me is something i didnt really see fully until tonight.

one thing that just really kills me is that i dont feel welcome. when the time comes that you need me there with you--i shouldnt have to hesitate and think about the fact that i probably wont be welcome, you are my best friend and the second you need me i will be there, and i think that is all that matters. there shouldnt be any reason for me to feel like i cant be around you or go to your house or even be seen with you--even be near your house whenever i want to be. there shouldn't be any reason we cant have a normal friendship. it kills me, all i care about is you, ALL of you--the whole crew, and the fact that i wont be on the receiving end makes me sad.

i'm so confused.i realized i let worrying about what everyone else wants influence every decision i make, instead of doing anything for myself. i care so much about hurting anyone that i just do what i think will be easiest. i hate that. as selfish as it seems, it does even to me, i feel like i need to make my decisions based on whats best for me and not other people....can i ever be happy going that route? i feel so selfish even thinking about this but honestly i'm not sure i'm going to make myself happy if i just do things so i can please others...no matter how rude i act or how much it seems like i dont care what people think about me, i do. i cant stand when people dont like me....but only if they're just outright rude to me. like if someone yells at me, i cry. i'm just sensitive even though i dont think i show people that side of me often....i kind of act like a tough bitch so people cant hurt me. it all comes back to being hurt doesnt it? its pretty ironic...i never even realized its my biggest fear of all.

i have just now, in this span of 45 minutes decided i am going to make a change in my life. i dont even know how this will work, i tend to talk myself out of numerous things so we'll see how this goes down. i want to start doing things, for others, but start doing--or making--some decisions for myself....making them for my own happiness and not someone else's. i want to--this is where it gets tricky--open up. i dont want to close people off and out of my life because its truly no way to live at all. i dont enjoy it by any means, its just a hard cycle to break. i'll let you all know how this turns out....anyway...keep your fingers crossed