this week has been....one of many emotions. i've been up--happy, laughing, and being myself--and i've cried numerous times for various reasons, seemingly all worse than the previous. everything has been so...complicated lately. relationships are confusing, at times strained, and even misinterpreted. feelings and tensions have been high and nerves have been trampled on. i've had a headache every single day this week, which isnt a good sign since that hasnt happened in two years. i just feel like i have to have my gaurd on at all times--i have to be ready for absoultely any and every conceivable occurance and trying to prepare for such things daily strains my mind and spirit--but mainly my heart. i can be fine one minute--have not a single care in the world--and the next i am on my knees pleading with either God or myself for guidance and solitude, praying for solace and peace for either myself or for someone close to me. i'll be laughing and the next thing i know i'm sitting on the floor listening to my best friend in the world weep, crying myself trying to understand why this has happened, why he has to go through something so horrible. why anyone has to deal with anything like this....why i feel like i'm always on egg shells...trying not to say the wrong thing and constantly searching for Your words instead of my own. I need strength right now, not for myself but for you, and I feel it slipping and hate myself for not being ready to comfort when i'm needed. i pray so often that this will all be over soon so we can all begin to heal; and simultaneously i pray for him to be healthy, i beg God to keep pain away from him, to give him comfort if nothing else. i'm torn, i just wish i didnt have to shed or more importantly see one more tear fall from a single eye; i want you to be happy again. everyday is a sturggle to be strong, to tell myself that my faith in You will refresh me so i can stand by your side and never falter, to keep me walking along with you never halting to catch my breath. even as i sit here pouring my thoughts out through my fingertips, even as i sit here and weep as each word comes to me, i pray for comfort, guidance, strength, love, mercy, and hope. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with, and it doesnt even involve me. there's nothing i can do, i'm powerless to help anyone. i dont even feel like i have a purpose sometimes, then i see a smile through the tears and i'm reminded that just being available is all i can do, it gives me a renewed sense of belonging. you just cant ever forget where i am, where my heart is, what with every fiber of my being i long to achieve.
--The most important thing is love. Unfaling in its strength, it can conquer everything.--
2 comments:
From all your journal entries that ive read ive truely been inspirered and, not be kinda weird, i hope you make many many more entries for me to read. Your writing is unbelieveable, so to say i hope you write more and when your older i wish to read some wonderful novels of the Great kristina. Even if your passion in life is not to write i hope you do for you will help out many people that have to go through the same things that you write about, for it may inspire millions....
Peace, Nathan
Oh just to add to my last comment, i would like to tell you (even thought it may be too late for me to respond) that you should take a break once in a while and fine a place of solitude...and for your friend i will also pray..but not just for him and his family..but for you and everone who is being effected by what will happen...for now all i can say is..................that things happen for a reason.
With much prayer we will survive...no one can take our faith away no one can hurt us as long as we have love.
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