chicken, rice, ice cream, skin...you can fry them all

so...being in the sun everyday and only putting on minimal amounts of SPF is not reccomended. especially two days before getting your senior pictures taken. oh well--thats life.

i got my new planner. yeah--that was a thrill. it's the same kind as last year's...well, exactly the same really, just a different cover. i've already redone the inside covers and made them all pretty. and my momma went to get my books for school yesterday because she loves me.

kristina's senior schedule includes:

x: marine biology (coia)

a: religion IV (chastain)

b: english IV (jordan)

c: advanced weight training/aerobics (tba)

d: government and economics (shad)

e: art portfolio (holechek)

f: psychology/sociology (winkler)

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yeah, so if anyone has a class with me or my lunches, [kelly--we only have 2! : ( ] then let me know.

i didnt expect to be upset last night. not until the band quieted down and bryan started talking anyway. after about five minutes of his christmas story, i knew i was done for. i just dont love myself. at all. i've heard from certain people in my life that i'm not worth anything enough times to begin believing it. and it isnt even always what people say. people dont realize the impact of they're actions, the glances they give, they way they begin treating other people...you never realize what effect you have on someone else until it's too late to change it. bryan and i were talking last night about one of Rob Bell's Noomas...Luggage. he talks about a few things in that particular video, but one thing he mentions--that struck me the very first time i heard it on epworth this past year--was that some people are toxic. there are just some people who for whatever reason poison everything they come into contact with. people who make you hurt, make you sad, make you hate. and for whatever reason, they cant stop. i'm the sort of person who thrives on the approval and aceptance of others. i know i dont come off that way most of the time, but it tears me up inside if someone is angry with me or someone decides they dont like me.

so why then, can i not let go of the toxic people in my life? thats the one thing that makes no sense. well--scratch that, in a way it does. the people who poison me arent giving me the approval i need, and so i guess i hold on tothe hope that someday they'll respect me and actually give a damn. but thats just it--they'll never see the hurt they cause me and anyone else they poison...the ones they hurt most are themselves.

i just cant seem the let go. not of anything. i think i'm starting to realize just how weak my faith is. after thinking about it and looking at my situation from a few angles, i'm starting to realize that i dont trust God. i love Him, and i know that i need Him, but i dont trust Him to handle my problems. i can't seem to ever completely give anything over to Him to deal with. i have this need to hold on to all the crap i lug around because i guess i figure if i hold onto it, i can maybe find the time to sort things out and fix it myself. i have to have a sense of control, and giving things to God destroys my sense of independence.

i know i can choose to be happy. that i can be stronger than those toxic people--i can ignore the hurt they try to cause me. i've heard a million times from my parents, mrs collins, bryan, and certain friends that i cant let people control my sense of self. they say i dont have to listen to what people say to or about me, i dont have to let them win--i can be happy when they want me to cry. but i cant seem to act upon any of it. i'm such a sensitive person. and being that i need approval, i need to  know i'm good enough--trying to ignore hate is nearly impossible.

so all i can do it try to avoid what makes me sad, and try to fill up my life with people who i know love me--who not only say it, but show it consistently. people who are there to build me up, and to help soothe the pain i've inflicted on myself. i just need to learn to love again.

.:as i rest against this cold hard, oh will you pass me by? will you criticize me as i sit and cry? i had fought so hard and thought that al my battles had been won, only to find the war had just begun. is he not strong enough? is he not pure enough? to brake me, pour me out, and start again? is he not brave enough to take one chance on me? oh, can i have one chance to start again?:.