i have to be the dumbest person ever. i have everything i could ever need, and i have almost everything i want. i have food, money, clothes, a car, a few true friends, someone who loves me...but i'm not happy. i still just feel empty. i dont feel any different inside now than i did the day i cried infront of the whole church trying to tell people about my depression. i am the lost, scared child inside that i have been for the last 6 months. i'll just cry for no reason, be sad for blocks of time with nothing significant to trigger it. im angry most of the time. the only time i'm truly happy is when i'm with mitchell, natalie, tara, or my parents. thats it. and thats not even all the time. thats just usually when i'm happy.
i feel like everyone veiws me as this cold, hard, uncaring and unloving person. like, everyone sees me as the cynic who doesnt feel anything. i dont view myself as a good person. i view myself a bitch. isnt that sad? i have like 2 ounces of self esteem, they come from the five people i'm happy around. i dont like my body, i dont like my attitude, i dont like my sarcasm, i dont like my bluntness, i dont like that i have hardly any control over what comes out my mouth--good, bad, or otherwise. i always say what i think and thats almost always the stuff that no one either, a. has the guts to say outloud, b. wants to talk about because its uncomfortable, c. wants to hear becuase they dont agree, d. all of the above.
i'm just so damn sick of feeling this way. i want to feel complete, i want to feel like i have a purpose, i want to feel SOMETHING. i have no relationship with God right now, that makes me want to die inside. i cant feel Him, i can find Him anywhere. soon i'll resort to checking for Himin my hamper of dirty clothes. i just want to love myself. is that too much to ask? i want to like who i am. i want people to actually like me back. i want to like people in return.
.:she's a question without answers who feels like falling apart. sheknows she's so much more than worthless, she needs to find her purpose, she wonders what she did to deserve this:.
3 comments:
stop lying to yourself; you have the most beautiful soul of anyone i know
Something to consider in all of this Kristina. We'll be talking more about this over Youth Week (so I hope you'll be there for it, hopefully the band will be on too), but a couple of thoughts.
1. You seem to realize this is not how it is supposed to be. You also seem to have had times where you didn't feel this way. Therefore, unless God is sick, there is a good probability that you will not always continue to feel this way, it just feels that way now.
2. You are way, way, way too hard on yourself. The way you see yourself isn't even remotely close to how God sees you and you have to take some time to see how far you have actually come in your life. There is so much you have that is good and beautiful and right, but you aren't allowing yourself to see it.
3. Maybe you can find a way to take some of the focus off of yourself. I don't say this as if you are this terrible selfish person. Just that, you have been focusing on yourself and your struggles for a while now and they haven't gone away. Youth Sunday, the prophet on Choir Tour, your readings, all have been amazing but haven't changed things. Maybe try letting them go for a while and focusing on someone else who is struggling and help them. Some of my darkest days have been put into perspective when I stop focusing on me and sought a different direction. I think sometimes we get in the way of God healing us because we are so busy doing for ourselves that we won't let Him in.
We love you Kristina and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My suggestions may be a load of crap, I don't know, but I will help in any way you need and would like me to.
You are unique, your own person. There is no one else like you in this world and there will never be one again. Those qualities that you listed are YOU. They are the person i have come to know, enjoy, like and above all respect. You have a great figure that you like every braincelled human being are self concious about. (cheer leaders and bimbo's do not count as brain celled FYI) You're attitude is perfect and those who disagree can go talk to a therapist about it cause they are the ones that need one. As for you're sacasm, i would feel lost without it, you are sole person responsible for keeping me in check and making sure i don't over inflate my big head. More than anything I respect you're bluntness the most. You speak you're mind and have no qaums about doing so. But for now and until you realise how truely special you are and how much of a difference you have made in my life and other's, you will remain a snowflake, unique and beautiful and ending up as water or tears as it were. There is a saying back home that gets me through the rough patches... May those who love us, love us and those who hate us, may God turn their hearts. And if he turn not their hearts may he turn their legs so we may know them by their limp. Stay Strong.
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