let it out

i have a deep and penetrating desire to write at this very moment. i dont even know precisely what i want to say. but i feel its time to let it out.

i've made a mistake. it isnt even the mistake i regret so much as it is the whole hurting someone else aspect. and technically, nothing i did was "wrong" or "immoral"--it just didnt make someone else feel very good. i had no idea what was going to happen. i had no idea things would work out the way they did, and i let you know exactly how i felt and what i thought every step of the way the very moment something happened. so what i said to you had no alterior motive--it was simply that thats how ifelt, and still feel. i'd be angry if i were you too, well--hurt. but i cant do anything about it now. there is only one thing i hate more than being hurt. hurting others.

on a lighter note: most things in my life are going well. i'm glad we worked things out, and i really feel its for the best. i'm happy with you, and unhappy without you. its elementary really. if i could apply the same thinking to how distant i feel from the Big Guy right now then that would be phenominal. it isnt a matter of Him not being there...i know He is. i just can't feel Him. it's like...i dont understand why all this had to happen to me. and not even all of it happened to me per say, but i was affected. i mean, the past year and a half has been the worst of my entire life thus far. more has happened in the last 16 months or so than i care to revisit here. death has plauged the people i love. i've been depressed almost every day. it just hasnt been happy. and i guess what i'm frusterated about is the fac tthat i dont think i deserve to feel this way. i dont think i did anything to equate the past 16 months. everyone sins, myself most undoubtedly included, but nothing substantial enough to credit this.

i feel like i never do enough. i dont read the Bible enough, i dont pray enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not friendly enough, i'm not "there" enough for others, i dont contirbute enough, i dont give enough, i dont love enough, i dont try hard enough...i, in essence, am not enough. when i do get completely overwhelmed and finally pray, not "Dear God: thanks for today and this food and bla bla bla", but pray from deep down and talk to God about my pain and my hurt and all that i feel, i dont ever feel like He hears me. i say all these things and i dont feel as if anything has been done to fix it. He's still way up there and i'm still way down here. i never get a whole lot out of that whole being silent and listening to God thing. i guess i dont listen hard enough--but that would also tie into my whole your a piece of worthless crap mentality which i dont believe to be healthy or true. [by true i mean it plagues me yes, but i know that isnt how i truly am nor how the world perceives me] i'm really responsive. i like to send letters, talk, debate, argue...whatever you want to call it. i like interaction. and i dont feel God interacting. i am also a "doer"  anyone who knows me knows that about me. if i dont like something, i say i dont like it. if something isnt right, i fix it. if someone is hurt, i want to help them. if someone needs me, i will always do everything in my power to help them. i like control. and the one thing about all of this mess is this: i have no control. God has control. i hate that, and i dont mean any disrespect, i just hate not being able to fix this alone. i may be an active helper but i hate being dependent on other people on the flip side. just ask philip--he's the one who pointed it out to me. i have to rely on God and trust Him and know He'll always be up there sitting under the umbrella of His beach chair sipping a Coke, nectar of the gods, and all the while making sure my life--along with the rest of humanity's--is going how it should. for the record, in heaven, Coke is not acid to your intestines. it is equally as healthy as water. so--even if it kills me here...i can swim in it if i want to and i'll be fine in heaven. that is good.

[i'd like to just say that i appreciate anyone who reads this. i appreciate you because this journal contains nothing of consequence--it wont help you pass high school and it wont solve any of life's problems. but you read it anyway because there, to you, must be something of interest in it. which would mean i have something interesting to say. and knowing someone is interested in my thoughts, which is exactly what this journal is--just all the junk swirling around in my gray matter--is nice to know and reminds me someone thinks i have something valuable to contribute. so thanks]