we've been through hell together

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try baby and
Have a little faith, faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here baby, [from a whisper start]
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch your, I will catch your fall just
Have a little faith, faith in me

-I've been loving you for such a long, long time-
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cuz for us [there is no end]
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I will hold you up, I will hold you up and
Your love gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Oh faith, darlin'

i've been finding a lot of comfort, or relevance even, in the music i've heard recently. this song especially reassures me right now. i dont think it was went spiritually...but--it speaks to me. you know, you hear or read something and it just instantaneously resonates with you? it hit me.

i was reading wrestling with god today by [rick diamond] and there was a line that stuck out to me. 

"...what i want is to find something to believe in that isnt true because someone told me so, but that i can sense is true, down in my bones."

thats what i want.  thats what my whole spiritual search/crisis/questioning has been all about. i know God loves me and He's up in heaven and if i love Him i get a ticket to heaven. big whoop. everybody who goes to church knows that. i think so many of us know this piece of information and process it like a factoid to be stored in the memory banks. "God made me, He loves me, I go to heaven if i love Him back....check" but thats so not how God wants us to view Him. He isnt this far-off idea or being in the cosmos with a bulletin board with a roadmap of every human's life on it. He loves us so much. not He made us and thinks we're fun to play with and watch run into each other...not "cool" because we are entertaining...He is passionately, desperately, uncontrollably, devotedly in love with every single person on this earth. and i think thats a point lots of people miss. Christianity shouldnt be this huge list of rules...Dont do this and avoid this, and dont exceed this....blah blah blah...THEN Jesus will love you. NO  that isnt how it is. He created us so we could live and experience joy and beauty and happiness and love.  evil is a byproduct of the Fall. it wasnt intended, but with evil comes good. focus on the good.

 i think that is what i've been searching for--a deep and real understanding of what i have been taught. becuase what i learned at church is so far from how Jesus is and was and will always be. He loved whores and drug addicts and homeless drunks. He hated the religious people of His day becuase they weren't living His word and His way. they twisted the laws God gave them and misinterpreted His teachings. they were pompous and rude. They didnt love. they tell you to love everyone in sunday school, and then as you get older you realize how little love there is in the world. no one loves anyone anymore. the gays, and the prostitues, and the drug dealers, and the murderers, and the kids who beat up other little kids....God loves them and He commands, not asks, commands that we love them as He does. its hard to overcome a prejudice you've been raised with...but hating someone for no reason other than the ludicrous one you or someone you know has concocted doesnt make them a bad person. its hard to love, but wouldnt we all be happier if we did? do you think there would be so many kids killing themselves if they felt like someone actually gave a shit whether they were alive or not? if someone reached out and just spoke to them. or smiled at them.

i walked by at least 10 people when i walked to my car after church on Sunday, and i smiled at every single one and not a single person even looked at me. they saw me from a distance then when we passed they suddenly were fascinated with the cement or a tropical pigeon flying by must have caught their attention...yeah right. people cant even SMILE at each other anymore. that really bothered me.

i guess the whole point of my rant is that i think the central message most Christians miss is to love. its so simple and yet so unattainable for some.

[leave someone some love today.]