so this weekend was successfully the worst weekend of my life. hands down. no questions asked. it blew. (not quite the same affect as "blows" but how effective can the past tense really be?) i worry myself. i'm scared. i'm scared of what will happen if i cant find a way to heal--if i cant find happiness somewhere. clinical depression is such a scary term...i dont want that tagged onto my identity...i dont want people to see me that way. i dont want to end up there. i feel like i'm so close sometimes. i just cry for no reason--well, i have reasons, but it will be just random i guess. i'm sad a lot. in a deep sense i'm always sad--but more often than not i can at least fake a smile and make people think i'm ok. we wrote nice things about each other on these cards at church a few weeks ago--someone told me i was always happy. i wanted to laugh out loud. but it made me feel better--in a weird, twisted way--that i was so good at fooling people. i dont want to fake joy--i want to feel joy.
i must say though that today was better than i expected. i knew i was getting mail--but you surprised me again. we all know about the insane graves dvd library....and most everyone knows that we dont own any rated R movies--just how its always been. haha--i bought Crash a few weeks ago, it isnt allowed in the cabinet. how racist. anywho...so i recieved Double Jeopardy which i really liked and wanted to buy....but it's an edited "clean" dvd. so, even though it isnt the "real deal" i dont care...its the same story. it just made my day to know you remembered that i mentioned it and thought about it--it seems you always do little things like that to make me smile. so thanks.
.:the strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath:.
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