i'm more than frusterated. the emotions you have to pick from are sparse...completely inadequate. i'm angry, frusterated, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, anxious, furious, i wanna break things, hit something, slam doors, scream, cry, rip things up....anything to get the rage out. i'm sick of it. i'm angry all the time and i dont really know what precisely i'm angry at. i mean in a general sense i hate myself, i am never good enough for anyone, i suck at life, i'm not needed (which i need more than anything), i snap at people, people are rude to me....i'm angry at God for ignoring me, i hate myself for saying God ignores me because in my gut i know how much He loves me, i'm tired of feeling alone. i have such an overwhelming fury about me all the time. it never ends. it is less severe in some cases but its always there. and when it blooms in all its red-tinged, jagged-edged glory it burns everything in its path. uncontrollable it is. i dont know how to get it out and keep it out. i want peace, i want to be still. i want a quiet and content spirit. all i have now is this tornado of negative emotions hurtling through and destroying everything i touch.
i just want to get it out.
1 comment:
Kristina. I know we have never hung out much. But the things I am to afraid to admit.. you write for me. You take my exact thoughts and put them in front of me. It's strange, and nice. And at the same time disheartening because I wish no one should have those feelings.
What caught me was your bit about just being at pece with yourself. That concept is always on my mind. No matter how hard I try or how long I think of ways to get to it.. I can't.
I don't know where I'm going. Or what I'm good at. Or how to find myself. Maybe I am to far into thinking I'm failing or maybe I am justto scared to find out. I do not know which. I hope the latter because it's able to be improved.
I wish somewhere on thos applications it asked if I wanted to major in being a hippy.
And if not in real life. In my heart. Want to be a hippy with me?
<3<3
-Allie
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