there's a lot i want to say to you. let's start with this: the only thing i did wrong here was not tell you right off the bat what was going on. and i am sorry i didnt--i should have but i was afriad of hurting you. do you understand that? i didnt want to hurt you, so we figured letting you have a little time to move on would be best. we were wrong, and i admit that. but dont feed me this "we dont give a shit about your feelings" crap because we ALL know that is ridiculous. thats all we've been considering in this whole affair.
you need to understand something. you can push me away all you fucking want, i dont really care. but i'm going to love you anyway. so stop making excuses. i know what i did may have indirectly caused you some pain, but it had nothing to do with YOU. this isnt about you. this is about me finally, for the first time in my whole entire life, doing something i wanted to do. it's about me finally taking a leap of faith and doing somehting that will make me happy. i almost passed up this opportunity so i wouldnt hurt you--but i cant live for you. i have to live for me. and i feel selfish for it, but it's what we all have to do. it isnt like anyone was cheating on anyone, like anyone was committing any outlandish crime--so stop laying on the guilt.
i dont want to hear you hate me. that does nothing for me, or you. you're pissed off because someone else got what you wanted. i completely understand how you feel, because like it or not, believe it or not, i know exactly how you feel because it's been done to me 4 times. so yes--as a matter of fact....i do know precisely how you feel. it hurts, it hurts a whole damn lot. but you also have to stop for a second and think about the situation realistically. i've been telling you for months and months that something like this was bound to happen, that one of you was bound to move on and you would realize that there was someone else you could actually be happy with--i just never thought in a million years i would be involved. it isnt like this has been a long running thing--it's been like a two-to-three week long thing. thats it...so all that advice i gave you months and months ago was unbiased. it was true and real. it had nothing to do with me wanting what was "yours."
and that's just it--you act as if i sat down and tried to figure out the best way to stick it to you, like i wanted to figure out how to hurt you the most. thats bullshit. i love you. i care about you. i dont fucking want you to end up hating yourself or feeling like you arent good enough. do you even understand how much i worry about you? do you have any idea the fear i feel when i think of you? I DONT WANT YOU TO END UP LIKE I AM. thats it. i dont; i dont want you living your life to please everyone else, i dont want you to ignore your own needs, to feel insignificant, to feel unloved, to feel alone and sad and uncared for, to feel like you dont matter because you matter to me damnit. you do.
another point of particular interest....why the hell are you looking at someone else's text messages? how is that any of your buisness? really...how is it? it really doesnt matter, its a juvenile thing to care about anyway. but all this "no one cares about me or how i feel or how hurt i am" crap is just not true and you know that it isnt. you know that people love you. you know it. we, BOTH OF US, feel awful that you got hurt. we both care about you. you know that i'm sorry you got hurt--that kills me. the fact that i let you down, someone i know looked up to me so much, the fact that i disappointed you so badly absolutely rips my heart out. that i let someone else down--that i have failed again, that again i have not been good enough, perfect enough, brave enough....that kills me. i HATE that you got hurt in this process. but this isnt about you. no matter how bad i feel about hurting and disappointing you, i'm still glad i did it because i know that eventually you'll be able to heal. you may still "hate" us both--but you'll move on eventually. you'll be ok. you're a tough bitch. you'll survive. and when you do, i'll still have made a decision that has made me happy too. i cant pass up my happiness so that i can please everyone. you cant always please everyone.
i want you to read this again. go back and reread this. you need to hear this. i love you. and you need to know that. no matter how you feel about me, i love you and i hope that one day you'll figure out that, and believe in it again.
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