i dont know anymore. i dont know how i feel, and even if i did--i wouldnt be able to tell you. i'm so guarded. i'm so afraid of being hurt. even if i knew what i wanted to say or not say to you, i dont know if i could...because if i did you could either reject it, or you could accept it. rejecting it would only cut off this whoel thing. accepting it means you have the power to hurt me. so much power. it isnt so much that i'm afraid you specifically are going to hurt me, it's that i cant deal with it again. i've never been in a relationship that has ended amicably. never. i've always been hurt. and most recently, i have been hurt for 8 months. 8 months. 8 months. thats most of a year. most of a year i died. most of a year i couldnt breathe too deeply. most of a year i just wanted to give up and quit and give in. most of a year i couldnt go a day without crying for.
keep me as happy as i am. you always ask me what i want. thats what i want.
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