golden oldies.

i just spent....however long its been since i updated last..an hour? 2? reading all of my journal entries from 2006. parts made me laugh. parts made me angry all over again. parts made me remember.

i remember being so in love with mitchell that no one else in the world seemed to matter. ever. and man. i had it bad. i was l-o-v-e in love with that boy. and he completely and utterly smashed my heart into ten thousand pieces. reliving that is still a little hard. but i look back, to the times just before i left for school...at how hard i was trying to hold onto him...it was just not good. i can tell by the way i wrote that i was trying to psych myself up..but i knew it was over before i left. he was too young, couldn't handle it. but it didnt make things any easier. i remember the day in september when i realized it had been a year since we had broken up. september 22nd to be precise. and i felt sad. for about half a minute. because this past year was so hard, and i missed him so much, and you know what? i made it. i made it through. there were nights i thought i wouldn't wake up in the morning because i was so distraught, but i always did, even if it meant waking up to the realization he wasnt mine for the zillionth time. and i look back now and realize i'm here still. i am living my life, and even though it isnt perfect, i'm alive. and i still miss him on the rare occasion, but i dont feel like palms sweat and my heart stop whenever he's around. i dont get tongue-tied and stupid, i dont hold on the the pathetic shread of hope i scavanged from God knows where...we are friends and we talk and i am happy with that. and realizing i made it through that makes me realize how strong i am. it also makes me realize if he wasnt the one, whoever is has so much love waiting for them, they wont know what to do with themselves.

i remember patrick coming home, and how happy i was to pick him up from the airport. we dont even speak now. well, hardly ever. i dont feel like either one of us has made any effort to stay friends. which is sad, and whenever this thought occurs to me i drop what i'm doing and call him. i usualy...actually never...get a response until at least a week later. we have our own lives now and they are seperate, but i just hope if i need him he will still be there willing to listen. i have pretty high hopes that he will.

although i never wrote anything about you, i am remembering you tonight. mostly because i dont have you anymore. which was my own doing. i couldnt go on the way things were, and it wouldnt have been fair to you. but i miss you so much it hurts. i feel like a part of me is missing. i went to barnes and noble alone, which never used to bother me. i felt so incredibly small and alone. and there was a stupid 14 year old couple making out by the sci-fi section. and i wanted to smack them and tell them to f off. but instead, i went and hid in the art section. part of the reason i love it is because it is in the back where no one purposely goes...the just stumble upon it in search of the toilets. so it is secluded and private and perfect. and i read a painting book, trying not to think about how you wouldnt be coming up behind me to see what i was reading, or how you wouldn't be sitting in the history section with 15 books in your lap about attila the hun or diseases of the 17th century. [not that i particularly remember you having an avid interest in 17th century diseases....it just seemed weird enough to fit.] i also had to remember you would not be waiting for me in the parking lot, holding your world market apron, with a box of that nasty lava cake mix. and it made me so sad. because i didnt lose a boyfriend. i lost a best friend. and i cant be here, in this city, where we spent an entire year together, without thinking about you. i missed you so much tonight. i miss you so much right now.

ha, remembering the post i wrote about how stupid my old roommate was was quite funny. what a retard. i'm not even devoting a whole paragrpah to that crazy 83431.
[check out the periodic table. courtesy of daddy-o...wait, maybe i shouldnt be telling people my dad told me that. oh well..toolate now.]

and again, i never wrote about this before, but i am thinking of you also tonight. [pause, contacts suck. you can pretend crazy elevator music is playing or something...or i guess you could skip this part since by the time you read this i will have continued my post....you decide.] ok..anyway. i am thinking that i feel a teeny hint of guilt every time we talk. i wait impatiently and excitedly for your emails, and when i finally get one a huge smile crosses my face. long or short, i enjoy them. i am glad i have  friend i can talk to, especially about particular things, which i dont feel i can share with other people, if only because they try to give advice or tell me what they think instead of shutting up and listening, period. this is what i love about you. you listen. and you give advice when i need/want it. nothing more or less. and i dont feel as if you judge me either. which is also nice. it makes me sad to think how long its truly been since i've seen your face, i honestly cant even say what we did the last time we were together..whether it was that spontaneous, and not all that cardio-ed walk we went on, or if it was the trip to the movies, where i cant even recall the film, just that we had a blast eating candy like it was goin outta style. i like that i have fun with you--and that i dont even remember WHAT we do half the time, but that i remember how i felt when we were together. that i was happy and laughing and be silly and myself and it was OK. its refreshing. and i wish there was a way for it to happen more often. sometimes i wonder about you, because you are always honest with me, but also in a way discreet. so i dont always know what's on your mind, nor always what is really going on under the surface. i feel like with you i tend to pour out everything because i find it so easy to talk to you, but that you end up listening more than sharing. which is fine, and its great...but sometimes i wish i knew for certain what you think.

this is an absurdly long memoir. for a journal entry anyway, and certainly my longest in ages. i guess i cant stop typing because if i do, i have to face the silent, dark lonliness. so...here's to turning out the light.