i cant sleep. and i seriously need a freakin puppy already. damn.

ugh. tomorrow will be the first time i've been to jacksonville since....yeah. 3 weeks. i dont want to go home. which is weird because i always want to go home. but not now. its like--if i can just stay away, if i can avoid being there, it makes ignoring the fact that we arent together so easy. and i'm good at it. and i dont want to be anywhere close to thinking about it. i dont want to go to a place where everything reminds me of it. i have that bad enough here.

i dont have to be upset or sad or disappointed about it if i never go back.

oh well--guess i'm screwed.

i;m really not a fan of this whole  migraine, constant and unyielding upset stomach, nausea, lack of appetite. it blows. and i need to be able to eat and keep food down, i want to run every day and i cant run if i have no energy and i have no energy because i cant think about food without feeling sick. i really like running, i always have, but now i;m into it--i can run longer, i can feel myself just improving. and it feels so good. i just dont understand why there is ALWAYS something wrong with me. always. headaches, stomach, knee....always something. or being sick. i seriously dont know if God gave me immunity. i'm starting to doubt it. i would love to wake up and go for a run and not feel anything but good the rest of the day. but that isnt happening. i guess its doctor time. crap. i friggin hate the doctor.

i need a job, if anyone knows of one...thatd be cool. i need something to keep me busy for 4 freakin months. dear lord. 26 days and 56 minutes until D Day.

then only 2 more years. lovveeeeellyyyyyy.

i guess now i dont have to worry about saving money for any trips. i guess thats a plus. no it isnt what the hell am i talking about that sucks.

i want to take all my sleeping pills so i can sleep for once. but they dont really work so great, and i'd probably die which could be bad if i took them all. so i guess i'll lay here wide awake and stare into the darkness, dying of heat, eyes burning from tiredness...thinking. always thinking. i wish i was dumb sometimes.

i just want to skip summer and move to next year so i can get the hell out of school faster. jesus.