i guess it's a good thing. it makes it easier. i'll get over it faster. i've never had a clean break. no guessing. no wondering. no playful banter. nothing. and thats good.
but i can't believe it's been a month and i haven't heard a single freaking word from you.
i don't know what to do with that really. and i guess truthfully it doesnt matter. but we both thought this was the end. we both thought it was something incredible, until it wasn't anymore. and i just can't believe someone who said the things you said to me, who looked at me the way you did, could just....let me go without a single word of protest. nothing. you didn't say no. and you didn't try to fix it, or try to work with me. you just let me leave. and now i know that at least i did the right thing, because if losing me didn't faze you...then why should i be upset that you're gone?
it just makes me sad. i'm ok. and i know you aren't who i thought, and that's ok. it really is, it's just i was really hoping you were. and i got let down, and it's no one's fault. and i know it wouldn't work and i dont really want to try, but sometimes if i stop moving so fast and let it sink in for a second, sometimes i miss you and wish things had been different.
but then again....they aren't. and that's probably the best thing that could have happened.
"i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint, i'm just another soldier on a road to nowhere."
--------------------> damien rice, amie
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3 comments:
Hi I am new to aoljournals I've suffered REAL life changing misfortunes recently. I created a journal hoping to help myself heal and others. YET here I am two days after creating the journal,reading your journal. I'm sad for you; I'm glad I came across The Inner Thoughts of Mine because I would have spent hours writing simply just what you had written. Now I am on the outside looking in which truly conirms what I already know but did not want to apply yet. I can truly say that I Loved and Have Been Loved. I just melted into him and he cried real tears a few times because he waited his whole life to find me: I loved him as much as he loved physically and emotionally. Hence the uandme part which ironically is what destroyed us. He used it as his screen name. One day, while sitting at his computer playing around his uandme email account open and empty I hit the Sent Mail button and 5 mins later denial kicked right in. I calmly called to him and sweetly as if begging him not to screw this answer up clearly asked him Why are you telling me the same exact sweet things you are emailing to another woman? DONEor it should have been because it never was the same and the heartache lingers and DENIAL working.
First, he lied by denying it he had deleted all the InOut Boxes but never thought about the Sent Box. Answer No 2 is good! There are only some many words in the English language was what he stuck to next as if it were so obvious to anyone but me. Stunned silently I sat as he then hurled insults at me told me t Just go away which he repled again in response to me asking him if he wanted to talk about this. So I left and he was shocked when I wouldn't take his constant calls with promises; then, one day I answered with WHY couldn't you just have honestly answered my question? Reluctantly he replied Because I didn't want to lose you. A male never uses his right head.
In reference to the old emails, I would have been slightly put off and hurt but not mad. The betrayal was that as best friends thankful for each other and happy we had talked about being honest no matter what, never hurtful not saying goodbye mad ever.
Skipping ahead presently we are in the payback stage because I would like to try again and now he is not sure! He just wants me to suffer the same pain he did that was his own fault yet blames m). He denies that saying he doesn't have that motive but does agree it has the same outcome. I bared my soul to this man, believed every word he ever said. TRUTH He never heard a word I said; he could not. The head he uses does not have ears. TRUTH It's letting go of the dream that causes the most grief in relationship breakups. I should never want to see him again.TRUTH It was the idea of him that I fell in love with, not actually him. We had red flags from day one. TRUTH. WE BOTH NEED to get honest and clear with our emotions so we can heal because DENIAL blocks the pain anger and fear AND LOVE and JOY! I do not want to carry the baggage into my next relationship possibly spoiling it or scaring him off because next time, I'm going for the money! Never did that one! Scary, I'm turning into my mother; her favorite saying, "You can love a rich man just as easy as a poor man."Good Luck
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