strange, but probably not so beautiful.

it's been a weird and wild few days. [random side note--in the drop box for "mood" choices, weird was spelled wierd. nice going AOL]

a lot of random and unexpected stuff has happened, talked to or seen people i didnt expect to, or didnt want to in one case. i wasn't ready. i was ready to sprint the last leg of my run, not see you drive by. and it hurt a lot more than i wanted it to. i wanted to not care, or pretend it didnt affect me at all, or maybe even forget it happened--it was only a split second. but it did. and it sucked.

i want to go back to school. i want to be on my own again. or maybe i just want to get away from the people who make me feel like i dont matter--i think it's both. it seems to be fine when we're apart most of the time...which is really a big part of why i want to get outta here. like i dont belong in my own house. i cant be myself, i cant even speak, not without shit. im tired of feeling like i need to do things differently than i do, or be someone i'm not or pretend what you do doesnt hurt me--because the things i say would never bother you if anyone else said them. because they arent mean, they arent hateful and they arent cruel. they're just from my mouth. so they suck, and so do i. i'm sick of the negativity, and i'm sick of feeling like everything i say is completely invalid.

and i know things won't ever change.

so i guess i need to just live somewhere i won't be seen or heard, so i can finally feel free to speak.



i just really want to feel alive again. and i dont, and i dont know how to not feel so incredibly lonely.