through hazy eyes she will realize her calling

i'm not sure how to feel.

should i be happy? that doesn't seem to fit, in fact i know it doesn't.  depressed? it's possible--even probable--but there are a few slivers of light floating around. then, i ask myself, what is it that i feel? what emotion has brought me to this state? i don't really care a bout a whole lot, and the things i do--or did--care about apparently dont matter. i just feel like nothing is worth investing my time or energy into--and the things that are end up blowing up in my face.  what's the use?  i cared. now it's all screwed over. it isnt carefree, it isnt simple, it isnt real.

i hope i dont get sick. i hope i can make it through without sweating my pores clean, stuttering my words, wanting to--and maybe actually--crying...deep breaths. focus. use your energy, i tell myself. you'll be alright. and then i realize the absurdity of my self reassurances.  i am a performer, i can sing. i cannot do this. it's not me--it isnt in my comfort zone which is why, i suspect, i have been led here in the first place. mysteries, i have found, can often be mysterious.