how can you take this abuse from me?

so after talking with natalie today, i have a more complete understanding of true friendship.  i'm so sorry i wasn't there when you called, i wish i could have been there for you.  i love you. 

it really makes me angry when i think about my friends. that sounds so backwards i'm sure to most people...but it just annoys me.  i guess giving you my reason as to why qould be helpful in making some of you understand. most of the time, most of my friends aren't there for me.  caroline, natalie, mitchell, and philip, and bryan are the only people who i know i can always count on no matter what. (besides family) it doesnt matter what happens because i know they will drop everything and talk to me and help me and will come get me if i ever got stranded anywhere with shitty drunk slut friends who dont care about anyone than themselves. the follow through, always. they dont say one thing and do another--they are solid...what i mean to say is that they are consistent. i know i can count on them to actually follow through on a lunch date or on plans we make.  they wont not answer my calls and leave me questioning why they never got back in touch with me for days at a time.

it pretty much sucks when you cant count on your best friend to be there or to follow through on anything they say. thats sad--when you expect a person to always be late, to always have an excuse, to always cancel plans, and to never answer the phone. thats not how friends should perceive each other. i'm sure you had a plausible reason for all this--i'll wait until i hear it i guess. theres nothing else i can do.

it also makes me really angry to know all the things my friends do.  school friends. i mean--get drunk, act stupid, do whatever you want.  i cant stop you, i dont agree with it but do what you will--its your life.  i dont understand your fixation with it, when half of you throw up 2 or 3 times a night on the weekend because you're so drunk you cant even hold your alcohol in anymore...i guess thats something worth laughing about.  and i guess its sort of funny when you talk about what you did over the weekend, and the only way you even remember what happened is through pictures you took of things while you were trashed. thats how i want to live my life--totally relying on photographs and not my memory to remind me of how i spent my adolescent life.  i guess i just dont know what cool is.  its not like i haveanything against alcohol--i'll be all for it when i'm legal.  it isnt like i've never had it either....we have plenty of it.  but i dont see the exciment in the whole binge drinking-barfing-passing out scene.  that doesnt whip me into an intoxicated frenzy. maybe thats just me. i feel bad for you. i'd love to hang out with you guys for a night and video tape how stupid you act. then maybe you'd see. then again--you probably wouldnt.  its sad when the only time your friends are sober is when they hang out with you. i guess thats good, but twisted.

 .:life seems a little warmer when you're standing next to me. and if you were a little taller or i was a little smaller then you'd block the wind entirely. life's just a bit more funny when i'm poking fun at you. cuz you tripped when you were running, and if my jokes were truly funny then you might share in the laughter too. i dont want you to make this into somehting it is not, but....i am alone. you are alone. we are alone. let's be alone together:.