"...i die without you..."

i just miss you. i miss you every day, and every day i pretend i couldnt care less. and then, like today, it catches up with me and i catch myself looking at the pictures of us i have moved, hidden, put behind others, and it hits me how much i miss just talking with you. obviously i miss being with you, having you care about me, but its mostly just that i miss knowing you're only a few miles away, knowing that i can call you if i need to, or just want to, knowing you want to talk to me too, knowing ou miss me. i dont know those things anymore.

i love that we talked normally, but it just made me miss you even more. seeing you, even for two minutes, makes everything ok for a while. having you talk to me, its like "whoa. that was good. i remember that." i just wish we could be friends. i just wish that not being together hadnt screwed up one of the best friendships i ever had. that i still had my best friend, but i dont now.

i hate having an awesome day, reaching for the phone, and remembering i shouldnt be calling you to tell you about it. thats an awful feeling. i hate stupid unspoken little rules about how you should act after something like that. its so dumb. i hate having everyone yell at me and tell me you're an immature asshole, telling me i'm not allowed to talk to you, i'm not allowed to want to see you play football, or basketball when the time comes]. well---------->F you, you cant tell me how i'm allowed to feel, what i'm allowed to do. it makes me so angry.

i'm angry with you for sdoing what you did, no question. but it wasnt the action, so much as the execution. you could have handled the situation so much better. we could have talked about it, you could have SAID it to me, you could have seen me. could have done so many little things. but maybe thats just it-------->you couldnt. i know you cant handle me being away, and thats ok. i dont expect you to be able to deal with it, you've never dealt with anything like that before and its hard as hell. and its ok. you arent ready, and i understand that completely, no mater how much it hurts. i guess i just expected you to be able to handle it better, the whole , "lets break up" thing. you lied to me. breaking this off has nothing to do with how you feel about me, and i think whether you realized it then, or now for that matter, deep down you know it isnt true. it had nothing to do with not caring about me anymore.

i understand better than anyone that it hurts to have a situation like this, helloooo, i was in it with you. and i know you dont let people in, and i know you deal with things in your own way, which is ultimately, blocking me out. i know, because i have done it to you before, and you to me. we've been through this before. and its so much easier to turn off all emotion for a person than to face the fact that even though you love someone you cant be with them. i know. but you could have just told me. you could have said, i just cant do this, but it has nothing to do with not caring about you. i guess that was too hard. i understand all of it, i just wish we could be honest with each other.

God, i just miss you. nothing more, nothing less. i just miss you.

.:i'm in repair, i'm not together, but i'm getting there:.
                                    ---------------->john mayer.