i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart--i dont know anyone else who would have taken control of me speech that fast and who would have been there for me as much as you have in the last few days. you're truly a gift from God and i'm so blessed to have such an amazing friend. PS: momma loves you too.
this is my testimony--i couldnt say it so i figured i'd post it at least for anyone who wanted to read it or didnt understand it all through my tears.
We go through life everyday, never knowing what's "ahead" or what we're in for, and yet, ironically, most of us live in a very routine fashion. For a long time, my approach to Church has been pretty similar. If it was Sunday, i went to Sunday School--that's what we're supposed to do and thats what i had always done. I think we all find ourselves at one time or another just "going through the motions" of church: sitting through the service waiting for a biscuit or a bagel, reciting the Lord's prayer, and going to Sunday School. But when we recite the Lord's Prayer, how often do we truly pray it from our souls and think about what it is we are saying to God? I know most of the time I don't think about it--I have even gotten to the point now where i wont even say it unless I’m truly praying it to God rather than just saying it out of obligation.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
I dont know how long i had been in my "rut" when i realized i was in one, but the realization hit me at the end of fall last year. I began to realize that even though i loved church and i believed in God, i was stuck in a place where i wasn't spiritually growing. My initial response was, "I can handle this--it'll be fine in a month or two." So, i tried to be more focused at bible studies and really hear what God was trying to tell me.<o:p></o:p>
So far--He hasn't spoken up. it's been 7 months and God has remained completely silent. I go to church, youth, and bible studies, but i get nothing spiritual out of it. I feel like there is a crater in my soul, and all it ever does is sink lower. God is not and active part of my life. He's just...not there. I have been abandoned by Him--i feel utterly ignored.<o:p></o:p>
Psalm 91:14,16 reads, "The Lord says, ' I will rescue those who trust in my name. when they call on me, i will answer...and give them my salvation." Well--i dont know where God is, but he's not up in heaven rescuing me.<o:p></o:p>
I mean, is my life's only purpose to wander aimlessly around and never amount to anything? I can't believe that--I can't believe God has no other plan for my life. I'm angry at God, i'm hurting more than ever before, and i feel completely alone and obsolete. But the one thing that keeps me going is this: knowing God loves me and that even though i certainly dont know what it is, He has an awesome plan for me.<o:p></o:p>
Bryan asked me a profound question: "If you feel so lost and alone and abandoned, why dont you just quit? I mean, God deserted you, why not give up on Him too?" That really made me think. I mean, why am i still comming to church? why bother reading books on spirituality, purity, and renewing your faith in Christ? Why do I even bother seeking guidance from others?<o:p></o:p>
It's so simple: i know my life can be so much better than this. The only true way for me to find the answers i seek, the only way to see what God has in store for me is to work through my pain. <o:p></o:p>
Think about it: You could be living your life on "cruise control" and be going free. life is great --you're comfortable and happy. What's wrong with that? Doesn't God want me to be happy? Sure He does...BUT: How often do we think of other's needs when our lives are perfect? Do we ever need help? Do we ever [need God]? Why do we need God if nothing is wrong?<o:p></o:p>
That's exactly it--you wont feel a need for God if your life is perfect. Have you ever noticed you pray a lot more when you need something, rather than when you're content?<o:p></o:p>
So--if your life is perfect and you see no need for God, will you ever realize God may have something so much better in store for you? NO<o:p></o:p>
There is pain in the world when God takes things away from us, isn't there? Why do you think He does that? He doesnt take things away to torture us, He loves us enough to get rid of the things in our life that hold us back from being who He made us to be. God takes away in order to lead us wherever he needs us.<o:p></o:p>
This is a hard concept to grab a hold of--especially when you feel like i do--like God doesnt even remember you exist. But God gave me the gift of a yearnful heart. I have an intrinsic desire to know and love Him intimately. my pain is a warning. it is an indicator. my suffering tells me that God is preparing me for whatever purpose He has set before me.<o:p></o:p>
Yes--I feel alone and spiritually dead, but by working through my pain i know i'll end up being happier and feeling more fulfilled than i ever knew possible. <o:p></o:p>
I cant ever make it through this stage of my life without help. I have the courage to fight and not give up--but i dont have the strength to do it alone. God gave me the support i need in my parents, my youth director, and my friends. Without someone standing beside me--I won't ever make it. You know those people who are always happy, cheerful, and ecstatic about God? Have you ever wondered if they truly feel that way—I often wonder how many of those people are lost and afraid that no one will be able to relate to them. It’s a hard thing—talking about your struggles. Rarely do we discuss our inner fears and doubts openly, but isolating yourself is not the answer. If you have fears or doubts, I can almost guarantee you’re not alone. Talk to someone. Confide in a friend. And be willing to listen if someone comes to you with a problem. The only way any of us can overcome our struggles is to rely on each other—we have to build each other up. We all struggle, but together we can move from our present darkness into the light of God.
1 comment:
Just wanted to say I how great I think you did yesterday Kristina. So many people told me after the service that they couldn't believe how well all three of you did sharing your stories, as well as everyone else with the narrations, Scriptures, Jennifer's poem, all of it. I know yours was tough but I can't tell you enough that this kind of thing, this "darkness of the soul", always, always, always comes out with blessing when you stand fast as you are doing now. Not that you aren't doubting or struggling, but you are holding on to that hope. Wrestling with this at your age is impressive, I was more worried about zits, so I know God is working with you.
Don't forget to have fun though. Sometimes we run to super structured faith practices to deal with our doubts. Not that any of them are bad, but don't fall into the "I'm not doing enough" trap with your faith. God isn't interested in that at all, He wants your heart, He wants your love, and He wants you to rest and have fun too. Treat yourself to a smoothie, watch a sunrise, catch a Bond movie with your dad, or watch some Gilmore Girls with Natalie. Just have fun. Don't feel like you can't have any fun when you are struggling. Sometimes, it's just good to get your mind off of it, because trust me, if the devil knows you're struggling, he's going to make you feel worthless, weak, unintelligent, and stupid. Those emotions aren't from God, He doesn't make us feel that way. Go celebrate your life, your friend's lives. Celebrate your courage in speaking and sharing to so many yesterday. Get pumped about tour. There's a lot going on around us and God's in all of it.
You're awesome Kristina. Keep letting people see Jesus in you. Take it easy.
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