You're a bitch. let's face the hard facts here. you are. you treat me like shit every single freaking day of my life and you dont even care. i cant say a single word without sarcastic not-so-under-your-breath mumbling from you and i'm so sick of it i could slap you. 400 times. hard. until you bleed your sympathies away. until you realize what you do to people--not even just me. i'm not the sole victim. i dont pretend to be. you hurt a lot of people with your bullshit and i'm tired 1. of being on the receiving end, and 2. watching it affect other people.
i hate you for making me cry. i do. its something that i cant really control right now--something "i need to get over and deal with" something "i cant let get to me" and it isnt like i choose to be hurt when you act like a PMSing 5 year-old who forgot her Ridalin, but...that's how i've been programmed to respond. when you're a baby and you get hurt you cry. so when i was little and you hurt me--i cried. simple enough. and i cant seem to help it. i dont like that i do it, i dont like the fact that you have control over me--but i also dont really know how to force myself to let it go.
i cant wait to be rid of you. of your little voice in my head, telling me i'm not worth anything, telling me i'll never be good enough, no one likes me, i'm a bitch, you wish i was dead. yep--lovely as those thoughts may seem to be, they suck hard and i'm pretty much ready to make them go away. i'm not blaming all of my problems on you. but most of them stem from you in some way. they do. i need everyone's approval and i have this need to be perfect for everyone and please everyone and do everything i can until i'm beyond exhaustion because you didnt love me. and i cant handle the fact that you dont act like you love me. so now i need everyone, even people i cant stand, i need them all to love me. I NEED TO LOVE ME. and i cant seem to break through the shrieks of "you suck" swirling in the vortex that is my head and see that i'm a good solid caring person who would live for you. not die...i wouldnt die for you. i'd live. i'd be alive and be active and do everything i could to make you love me again. isnt that sad? you'll never change and thats something that i know somehwere deep in my heart. i have a lot of trouble accepting this, but i know its true. you'll stay the way you are forever.
i've been hurt a lot. a whole lot. and everytime it was because i put faith into someone i wasnt sure i should, and i cared too much. and i got hurt everytime. i'm so afraid of being hurt i wont even talk to people i dont know. i'd rather sit alone, quiet and by myself reading a book while everyone stares and whispers at lunch than have to face the fact that if i let someone in they could hurt me. so i dont. i dont talk to people. i stay alone because even though it hurts, its safer than caring about anyone--because if you're alone people cant do this to you. people cant say that they love you and then leave. they cant have this affect on you. you cant get hurt when theres no one in your life left to be hurt by. if i stop letting you and you and you in--none of you can hurt me because i wont care about you. and even though optional alone sucks...it beats the hell out of being left alone.
i hate alone. thats why i hurt so much. i'm alone and it reverberates off the walls of my heart like a rave in my body gone bad. i was left alone, rejected by people i loved. i wasnt good enough anymore and so now i'm left here not knowing why you stopped caring about me. thats why i'm the way that i am. i was hurt too many times--and you know what...they didnt even have the decency to tell me why they left. that it wasnt actually my fault. but thats what i tell myself, how else am i supposed to rationalize it? i have nothing to tell meyslef, no explanation at all except that i must have screwed up somehow. you should have told me.
i just want to love myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment