now that i've gotten situated and ready to let it out....i dont know what to say.
i burned the crap out of my fingers today--all ten of them. one in particular is nasty. it hurts like all getout. [dont turn on the wrong burner on the stove and touch the hot one, and dont pick pans up by the metal FYI]
i have an awful crick in my neck. i sleep on my neck funny i guess; it always hurts when i wake up...aways too tense i suppose.
i've noticed i speak quite differently in type than in speech. i use much more formal language typing, i sound smarter. i wish i could program my mouth in this way. cut out all the "likes" because we all know i use em too much...its like [there i go] i cant form a complete thought without them.
so, i wasnt a loser which i guess counts for something. i got 4 carnations. it was nice, but not special if you know what i mean. i mean sure--i'm glad i got some because it made me feel nice inside but i know they were all just from friends and just because..they didnt mean anything. i didnt get swept away, i didnt get much of anything but partially melted fingerprints to be honest. i felt better when i bought flowers for my sister and momma though--it was nice to make someone else's day nicer. its just so damn depressing to watch other people walk around with all the crap their stupid boyfriends got them and to know there are so many people out in the world getting engaged, getting married, hearing their first "i love you" right now.
i dont want to hear, "it'll happen when the time is right." "its for the best" "everything happens for a reason" those cliches do nothing for me. they were invented to help pathetic feeling people feel a little less pathetic. they serve no purpose but to remind us all that yes, we are indeed the screwed percentage of the population and yes, you are not. i've been living like this---->unhappily, miserably, and lone for so long...years. people forget this. its been years. plural. i am sick of being alone and unhappy. i dont really give a flying you know what if it's "going to be better soon" or that "its happening for a reason" because let me tell you something: it sucks harder than anything and i'm sick and damn tired of it. i dont deserve to live this way. i freaking deserve respect and love and i deserve to be someone's priority and i refuse to accept the fact that i havent had any of those things. they've been ripped away from me. i mean, i was bad off before this stupid guy entered my world...it was bad then. but then after i give in and actually allow myself to care about someone they go away and i dont know why and then i end up worse than when i started. things should be getting better, not worse. i dont want to hear that people understand how i feel or i'm strong and i'll get through this...you DONT know how i feel. i dont give a dman what you think you may know, you cannot fully relate to how i feel and why it is i feel the way i do because you arent me and never will be. you dont know what made me this way, and you wouldnt understand it even if you did. i cant "move on" "ignore what they say" or pretend it doesnt hurt everytime you call me a bitch , or when you [different you] smile at me and i know it wont ever mean the same thing. you will never know how it feels to grow up they way i did. you will never understand how i felt when he was ripped away from me. you arent me--you cant, wont, dont want to, couldnt possibly conceive it. it isnt "no one understands me, woe is me" its "i am not you, you are not me, we are different from each other, you cant understand how things affect me, you dont know how i feel"
^ this is not directed at a specific person, it is a general statement about everyone. sometimes i feel alone in rooms full of people i know. i cry for no reason. i cant control my moods, my reactions, my thoughts...i become consumed with pain i cant control or erradicate. in an instant----->i feel like i'm fading into nothing...becomming invisible.
people know i'm not ok. everyone knows i'm not ok. and i'm not. i'm not ok. i might be marginally more ok than i was months ago...but in the big scheme i am just generally not ok. and i havent been in years. years. i would give anything in the world to get rid of this ache forever. i'd give up food, join the army, move to africa, do the wall sit for hours...i would do anything to make the ache go away and stay away. gone. erased. but even when i'm doing everything i can to make it go away it feels like it just stays the same. almost everyday i feel the same. there are glimmers; little sparks where i can be ok. these are few and far between. but they exist. and yet they are not enough--not even close.
i dont want to be an empty-shelled person. i dont want people to pity me, look at me with puppydog eyes and pour on the sympathy. i want people to treat me like a person, like me. i'm sick, hurt, whatever you want to call it...thats what i am. you need to accept it and love me anyway. i love you and you all have your own problems. some i'm much more familiar with than others. some of your problems affect me more than you know. but despite how you affect me i try my damnedest to listen to you, to not get frustrated with you, to not believe you hate me. help me to not be empty shelled.
yes, i can see the lights when they break through, but no--they arent enough to split the darkness
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