so over the course of the last 36 hours i've seen more stupid teenage romances end happily ever after in movies i could puke. i never realized how bitter i was. no--scratch that. i did know, it just hadnt been "unleashed" in a while. movies are so very unrealistic. nothing like that ever happens in real life. i guess thats why its a movie, but still. i'm so jealous. all the time. i envy everyone. from my best friends' 1-3 year anniversaries to the stupid two week freshman romances...i envy them all. people complain so much. i mean really..."oh my gosh my boyfriend didnt call me" "he was acting weird" blah blah blah blah....seriously...you have a guy that loves you even if he isnt amazing all the time. get over it. at least you have someone you can share those cute special moments with. you have someone you can call when you need to talk, when you're excited, when you miss them...you have it and you dont realize how lucky you are.
its miserable. this feeling in my tummy. in my bones. under my skin. i cant make it go away. to just feel this sadness, this ache...this longing. you'd give anything to have him, to just have him back and have eveything be the way it was. to know he still loved you. not he liked you, not he kinda had a crush on you--that he still loved you. that he still felt the way he used to. to want to give anything to know you still mattered in his life, you meant something to him. and to know that things wont ever be the same, to know he wont ever love you again, to know you might not have mattered quite as much as you used to think you would. to know that you finally found your very first honest, true, and real love. you found the person you finally were able to fully open up to after all the tries and fails you met before him. all the times you wanted to love but couldnt quite get it right. but then you found it, you found him and he literally stole the breath out of your lungs and made your head dizzy with happiness. you found the guy that made you giggle to yourself the entire drive home after seeing him. the one who made your tummy do cartwheels just by walking into the room, and making you weak in the knees when he blew you little kisses when you both thought no one was looking, and even doing it when people were. to find the person who could come sit next to you as you cry, put his arms, around you, kiss you and tell you it was going to be ok and that he wasn't going to leave...and then just sat, holding you, waiting for you to be ok again. and then after all of that, watching him slowly pull away...slowly start to fall out of love. to have all of that disintegrate right in front of your eyes and be powerless to stop it, much less understand why it was happening. to watch the first person you ever truly opened up to and loved wholly just walk away. to have them leave. to go everyday knowing it's over and you cant fix it, and you dont know what happened. just imagine it. feeling so lonely every night as you think of things you could have done better, or things you could have stopped doing. trying to figure out what was wrong with you, why you werent good enough for him...why he stopped caring. not knowing how to act when he's around now, because all you want is to be near him, to talk to him...because you genuinely want to know how he is and what his life is like. you want to hear his voice and watch him joke around with hid friends and act like a totaly nerd because thats why you love him in the first place. you want him to be happy without you. you want him to have the world even if it means you arent a part of it. you just want to hold onto whatever little bit of him you can. and it scares you to death to think about what will happen later. to know that you'll never fully get over him, that there will always be a small part of you that loves him even after years have passed and miles have made their way between you. that this heartache is all you know, and you cant make it stop. you cant move forward and you cant get any deeper in the hole than you already are. you're so afraid of never resurfacing, of never finding what you're looking for. just imagine that.
and you were upset that he forgot to call....
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