so freaking tired.

so. freaking. sick. of. it.

i dont really know why i keep getting screwed over. they cant grow up, they can't open up, they can't get out of the funk. AND IT ISNT MY FAULT. but that doesnt seem to matter. i still get hurt everytime and i cant do a damn thing about it, and it's never because i made some horrible mistake. i find injured people, and i dont even know they're broken when i meet or even date them. then POOF! the issues pour out. and i get stuck cleaning up the mess.

you think i don't know where you're coming from? i've been just as low as any person can get and just because i got through it doesnt make what i went through any easier, any less significant, any less real. ok? i knowwwwwwww what it's like and you know what? you have to get through it. and i realize you cant control how you feel. but you have GOT to control the way it makes you act because if you dont, you'll end up a shell, a useless fragile nothing, or you'lll kill yourself. and those both suck. i know its hard. i've been there. i was there for a few years. and it took about half that time to START healing. it took a lot of work, and obviously i'm not cured, but i make it through everyday, and now everyday i can at least feel like it was a day worth living, no matter how stressful it was, because i have people who love me and who help me get through the hard times. and thats the only way you get through.

so if you dont let anyone help, good luck. no, i'm not a magic "cure all your problems" pill. i cant fix you. but i can support you, i can BE THERE when you feel like no one is, i can love you and i can help you see that things can be ok. but i cant do any of that if you wont let me. and i cant fight you and try to make you--it doesnt work and it hurts me to be rejected. and i have my own problems. and i wish there was something i could do to make your world beautiful but there isnt, you have to find that for yourself. and if i could i would put all my focus into because thats how i am, i want to help you and everyone and i wish i could make everyone happy but i cant. and i cannot give all of myself to someone who A. doesnt want me, and B. i cant for the simple reason that i have a life i need to live, and i cant LIVE if i'm not doing anything for myself.

and it really kills me that this happened and i wish things were different but i can only  push you in a new direction so much before i just get tired. because you should be walking together, not pushing each other along.

i would love nothing more than to finally find someone who is capable of loving me and who can allow me to love them. who can allow me inside their heart and let me be the shoulder them them that i need them to be for me when things get rough. and i just don't really know why it's so hard. stupid freaking movies. make everything so damn easy.

f-ing mr. darcy. i wish i didnt have that kind of unrealistic image in my head. i have too many great men, real and fictional, to compare every other man to that no one measures up. and i know the real ones, like my dad, who really exist cant be the only ones. so where the hell are they?