so this whole "i-dont-get-tired-until-1-or-2-am" thing is getting reallllll old. i just want to go to bed like a normal person and even when i'm tired i cant all asleep. how retarded is that? yeah--very, thanks.
i dont even know what i was going to say...i'm not sure i even had any real subject for this entry...
did i ever mention my utter dislike for couples? my obsessive-compulsive desire to smack them all in the head? i'm so utterly jealous...even of the weird, annoying, or even gross couples. i feel i have slipped into a state of patheticness that i cannot fully be pulled out of. you keep saying it'll happen one day...one day i'll meet this amazing person and i'll be so happy forever, that you never ever thought it would happen to you either but it did finally and how great it is. i guess i am now officially in your shoes. because right now i feel as if i'll never even find someone i'm can even date normally who likes me and wants to make an effort for me, much less anyone who just yearns to adore me and give me everything i want and need...are there really people, or a person rather, out there that is just waiting for me? a guy sitting or sleeping somewhere praying he's going to find his someone too...and that it'll actually be me he wants? he doesnt even know it yet, but i want him too. he doesnt even know i exist, who i am, where i'm from, or anything about me and yet we'll have a love that will put the movies to shame. he doesnt know i sometimes cry at the thought that i'll never be able to find him in this mess of people i'm forever surrounded by...that i'm so scared i'll pass him by or that i wont see him. i wish though, that he knew how much i miss him. i do, i miss him now in my bones--i guess its easy to say that sounds silly, to miss someone you've never met, but i truly believe in my core that you can. i dream about him even....not in specifcs, but as an idea, i dream about a man who can save me and help me grow and see me for this beautifully screwed up person i am...i always thought people who were all romantic were just stupid. i used to not believe in love, and in my dark, quiet times i still have trouble--but the idea that eventually, whether i'm 80 as i feel like i could be, or in a year at college i'll meet him and we'll just know in our bones that its right...that is what keeps me alive. i just hope he realizes he has a treasure waiting for him, and she hopes he will treasure her by waiting for her as well.
.:i longed for my lover. i wanted him desperately. his absence was painful. [...if you find my lover, please tell him i want him, that i'm heartsick with love for him.]:.
--song of songs 3:1, 5;8
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