what the hell

i love how people use words like "bitch" and "slut" and "ho bag" as if they're cute little pet names....i.e.---> "hey bitches!  whats up? haha" like....honestly--how intelligent do you really think that makes you sound? it makes you sound like an f*ing moron. i'll leave it there.

it annoys the hell out of me when people just blow you off. when they TELL YOU they'll be somehwere or they'll call or do something and then just dont. and dont bother to explain why or get in touch to apologize. they just act like its no big thing. like it's no huge deal the entire freaking band showed up for the first real practice we've had in over a month--and then we dont practice at all. yeah, like that wasnt a waste of everyone's time. if you're going to blow someone off at least have to courtesy to TELL them you're not going to show up. that has to be my biggest pet peeve of the moment....i have to have been blown off by some ass at least 5 times in the last 2 months. dont i have lovely peers? yeah, i think not.

i just wish i could be numb. honestly....if i cant freaking make myself happy then i'd rather just not give a shit about anything because then i wouldnt hurt all the time. i wouldnt have to be in constant pain...pain i can do nothing at all to ease. i have no control and thats the thing i hate most. i'd take feeling nothing over feeling pain any day by now. 2 years of depression is enough, thank you very much. i wish this on no one.

there's so much tension here--i hate being in my house. i'm on edge all the time and so is everyone else. or thats how it feels. i cant stand to be in my own skin. i want to just escape. i want to feel free--to have this awful weight i've carried so long to just be lifted. i just want to feel like i can be myself. i can be happy--i can NOT want to scream and cry all the time. i wont want to just punch the crap out of everything all the time...i wont have all this anger inside of me. i can feel it. i can feel the anger. i sense it, its a physical thing that i notice in my body. i feel it when it gets bad...like this welling up of energy, hot, burning energy. it hurts. its agitating. i dont want to feel it anymore.

from the inside:(linkin park)

I don’t know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

.:i wanna heal, i wanna feel what i thought was never real, i wanna let go of the pain i've felt so long:.