sometimes i get confused. i cant tell whether i'm happy or just pretending so people wont stare at me like i'm about to stab myself with a nail file....i'm that good [sometimes] at being fake. isnt that scary to think about? that i fool even myself? i'm so wrapped up in making people believe i'm ok when its obvious that i'm not, i doubt even anyone believes me, although if thats true then why bother asking right? i hate when people ask me how i am. HATE it. and everyone does, all the time, everyday...like its some form of inescapable torture--hmm, lets ask the blatantly depressed and unresponsive teenager "how she is". what the HECK do you want to me say to you? becuase as sure as i'm alive i know you'd be appalled if i told you i'm sad and depressed and lonely and hurt and i hate myself. there would be this long awkward pause, then you'd smile fakely and turn and go on your way. its like the people who ask you "how you are" only ask because it makes them feel better to know they "did something" like, theyre a better person now because they acknowldged your presence and made an effort to pretend to care--you dont care...you'd shit a brick if i told you how i "really was" you ask, i reply "i'm alright" with utterly unbelieveable and terrible lack of any enthusiasm, you smile fakely, and think t yourself. good--she isnt going to die today. moving on...
i hate being asked how i am or whats wrong with me. i hate it. especially when you already know the freaking answer. god it annoys me. its not like i enjoy and relish describing my pain to people....and frankly, anyone who isnt family or like family to me has no right to ask--because it isnt any of your damn buisness.
3 comments:
i know exactly what you mean! haha lets start punching people in the face when they ask that. that'll get the message across w/o wasting the energy or time it takes to explain it...
anyway- i <3 you so smile
"you dont care...you'd shit a brick if i told you how i "really was""
- naw, you're underestimating the goodness of people, especially the people around you. no one ever wants to hurt anybody else, they just get hurt themself and don't know how to handle it. if you told someone how you really were they'd relate to it and speak their heart in trying to help, and they'd probably even open up themself. you'd be surprised at how many people are going through the same or worse hell as you, they're just too weak to talk about it so freely like you do
i totally agree with one comment on here, totally find one unnecessary...hmmm, lets take a wild guess as to who's it is. i love you kelly. :)
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