ok so now i'm seriously pissed off since i just wrote one of the longest journals ever and it got deleted. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
i'm on the F*CKING edge and i want to jump off so bad that its pretty difficult to stay afloat............like i cannot even put into words all the shit and stress and just crap i have inside me....i cant get it all out....i am angry and stressed and pissed off ALL DAY EVERYDAY....all the time i hate everyone and everything even though you cant see it--i've mastered the mask and no one knows it but me.........i'm so independant that i wont accept help from anyone, ever....i wont even admit to anyone besides like my mom how incredibly broken i am and i wont let anyone help me.......i HATE that about myself, but i cant change. like i dnt even want to talk to my friends when they call and i dont want to go places on the weekends because i'm just so full of things i need to clear out...i CRAVE peace and solitude and i never find it....its like an addiction that i cant even stifle...its...bad. i wish i could just cut myself open and pour every bad feeling or emotion and stress cell inside me int a bottle and close it up air tight and throw it away or burn it or something so i never have to deal with it again....but i guess i cant do that
"dont want your hand this time i'll save myself...maybe i'll wake up for once...not tormented daily by you, just wheni though i'd reached the bottom i'm dying again i'm going under drowning into you i'm falling forever i've got to break through i'm going under.."
anyways--on another annoyingly present topic in my head...this whole stupid idea of true love and happily ever after crap...its not real. it doesnt happen. its like this huge media/disney company scam to get people to believe all this and get married only to divorce a few years or even months later. celebrity marraige is the epitomy of examples...does anyone EVER stay together? haha of course not...hello, they wouldnt get as much publicity if they did. i mean every time oyu date someone you think man i love this person, and then sure enough later you split up and you realize that you never truly loved them, even if you did care a great deal for them...it happens everytime....so i meanhow can you say you love someone when you dont evenknow what love is since you've never experienced it? you cant.....its not real....true love is true junk...
3 comments:
Kristina....
i dont know what to say to help you out of this slump that i have been in before on a number of occasions...ive just learned to not worry and stress out about much unless its a fatal situation...I LOVE YOU and whether or not you want to believe it there are tons of people who love and care about you and maybe we just dont want to say the wrong thing to make things worse but we do love you and hate seeing you like this...so whether you are just questioning things or frustrated with things...turn them to God...he tells us in Matthew 7:7-8 "Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. keep on looking and you will find.For everyone who asks, receives. And the door is open to everyone who knocks." and is Isiah 41:10 He says dont be afraid, for I am with you. I am with you and i will help you with my victorious right hand."
not to sure if this will be of any help but i love you kristina and dont like to see you like this and i know its not fun beeing in a funk but sometimes theres honestly nothing you can do and i feel ya there...Ex 13:17-8...God is letting us know that he will not always lead us along the shortest paths to our goals, BUT dont complain or resist; instead follow Him willingly and trust Him to lead us safely around unseen obstacles. He can see the end of our journey from the beginning and He knows the safest and best route for us...pretty incredible!!!
then again in Ex 14:13-14...Moses tells the people "Dont be afraid, just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you....The Lord Himself will fight for you . Dont lift a finger in your defense....pretty amazing so maybe all we can do sometimes is sit and wait and put our trust in him...
tells us again in Psalm 32:8
hope this helps some dont know when you will check this... but ill see ya tomorrow
living for christ
*ashley*
hey there kristina! i just wanted to say that you are a kind, fun, and amazing person! and i love having a friend like you, i can totally spill out all the bitchyness i have inside and you will always have an answer or a way to help me with my many problems! thank you for that, i dont no what i would have done without you when i had my "cody" problems.. you helped me get through and over it!
and i totally agree with what this girl ashley, the comment before mine, that you do have alot of people that love and care about you, and if you ever need to vent out about absolutly anything at all, or jus want to talk, or hang out (go see a *girly* movie ;) ) i am most definatly always here for you!
thank you soo much for commenting in my live journal, that made my day! :) talk to you later gator! stay sweet! and just remember ...SmiLE! :D
<3 CarOlinE
hey kristina, just wanted to let you know ive been thinkin about you and prayin for you. i second everything ashley says. God is amazing and He will help you through whatever it is you are goin through. Exodus 14:14, Jerimiah 29:11, Phillipians 4:13, Psalm 13. Kristina i love you so much and am always here if you need anything. see you soon. - <3 - Jen :)
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