so...things have been way stressful lately--mainly school. i dont do a lot of work that i should be getting done and i'm kind of paying for it. not so much from an...i didnt do my hw so i'm failing way...more of a...man i wish i'd done the hw so i'd know what the answer to this quiz question was type way. exapmle: religion class....i've turned in maybe one hw all quarter and have an A...whereas i have a C in creative writing even though i havent missed a single assignment. yes, doesnt that make perfect sense? yeah i didnt think so either.
on the the more important issue of the moment...mr "guy". even though this whole "oh i'm so shy and things are moving at an 800 year old tortise's pace" relationship is bugging me at times...i've come to realize it's going, i feel at times, irritatingly slow for a reason. i've been so afriad of actually getting close to a guy that even when i would like someone i'd subconsciously push them away...i've been doing it so long i kind of just forgot i was doing it...or maybe i never even realized it. i dont know...i'm just so petrified of being hurt by someone that when or if anyone gets even a little interested in me i shy away and do stupid things i dont even mean to do so i dont have to be hurt. i did it with the last two guys i dated and i've done it to every "prospect" that's come along in 3 years. i hate the way i act about the entire mess...but with him...i dont know, its different. i dont have to worry about doing anything wrong and i dont feel like i need to push him away, God has handed me my solution even though it took me a while to see the good at times. He doesnt want to overwhelm me, i need this to be very slow so i can become comfortable, and i'm getting there. things this time are falling into play perfectly and even though its been almost three months since i started this whole thing, i dont think i would change a day because i wouldnt feel the way that i do. i wouldnt know this was happening for a reason, and i'm just glad i, for the moment, have what i've wanted and have been to afraid to take advantage of.
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