why am i in such a pathetic state of mind? i've been so unhappy...and i know a lot has to do with school and trying to pull grades up and preparing for finals, another part has to do with kim's graduation and getting ready for that and her birthday, and another part has to do with trying....quite hard....to finish something for a friend that has to be done on thursday....i've been up past midnight every night this week. i am so tired. but not just like "oh man i'm tired, i should take a nap" its a physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion....i ache, i have no energy, i even forget to eat a lot of times...my mind is just so fried that i walk around in a haze most of the time, and for a while i just had a smile plastered to my face and acted happy so people would leave me alone....i'm tired of that. now i'm just being me...mad, unhappy, stressed, and confused me...i guess its working bc eveyrone wants to know "whats wrong with you kristina" "why are you being so weird" well, would you like an answer? i dont know.....thats my answer, i dont know why i am this way, and frankly i'm so exhausted and numb that i dont even care anymore. i dont care about anything....i could walk out onto san jose blvd and stand there until i got hit by a speeding car and i dont think i would have a care in the world....isnt that sad? it is, and this is not how i should be. i should be normal, like i always was...i should laugh all the time and smile and think positively and try to lift people up instead of being a lump of boring skin....oh well....i'm not going to worry about it, just like i've ceased to worry about practically anything...i have about 4 cares in the world which in some twisted way makes life easier and then again not...i dont know
--it takes so much out of me to pretend, tell me now, tell me how, how to make amends. maybe i need to see the daylight, leave behind the half life, dont you see i'm breaking down? oh lately something here dont feel right, this is just a half life, is there really no escape? no escape from time of any kind? i keep trying to understand this thing and that thing my fellow friend, i guess i'll let you know when i figure it out. and i dont mind a few mysteries, they can stay that why its fine by me, but you are another mystery i am missing, it takes to much out of me to pretend....maybe i need to see the daylight, leave behind the half life, dont you see i'm breaking down? oh lately somehting here dont feel right, this is just a half life, is there really no escape?
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